Update on Devil Spit

I have marginally fixed my blog header.
After deleting the header image that I worked on for over an hour last night on PicMonkey , I am back to an unoriginal blog with no personality. My apologies.

Devil Spit

I now have one of the stupidest looking blogs on the internet.
I do not know how to fix it.
Every time I try to fix it, the blog devil takes over with his sweaty, warty hands and jostles, smears and spits on my masterpiece. Devil spit.
There is no way to remove the huge brown spot located to the right of my header. I'm pretty sure blogger used the same stuff that was used on Phineaus Black's portrait in Harry Potter.
 I will have a brown square on my header for eternity.

I Am Deeply Ashamed...

I have debated writing this post because, frankly, I'm afraid that you will think less of me. But I have  decided to be completely honest with everyone  and as I have deleted my Facebook account (because my husband is in law enforcement and some people kind of  really hate him, even though he is a very fair and kind person,  and I occasionally vomited rebuttal posts to said people and that's not a way to win votes) so I have no where else to write nonsense when I feel it bubbling up inside of me.
I am known for becoming extremely dramatic and horribly vengeful when I experience any kind of prolonged discomfort...particularly hunger. If I am in the depths of hunger, I often have a recurring "day terror".  
Just imagine that we (America) land of plenty (for some) have been taken over by some horrible country. (I currently have North Korea in that top spot, although the evil country changes with the times). What if..WHAT IF, our captors have rationed our food? Not just rationed...but marginally starved us?
As I sit and think about this scenario while my stomach is so weak with protest that it cannot utter another sound, I try to rationalize what I am planning.
I need the food. I need the food because I am the one who needs the strength to keep everyone's spirits up!  They are counting on me. Without my sunny outlook on life they would all wilt away whether or not they had food.
I imagine being interrogated for possible plots that are being planned to overthrow our new government. I am famished. It is winter (or summer, that part depends on my body temperature at the moment) my threadbare clothing is being pelted by icy sleet and the soldiers try to persuade me to crumble and spill my guts. I hold my head high and resist as they offer me a puffy down coat. No! I will freeze before I talk! Threats of torture by splinters of wood pushed underneath my fingernails? Oho! I have bitten them to the quick, so try your best! Then...they become diabolical. What about a steaming hot, white, fluffiness of goodness?
  I falter. What is this that you speak of?
 One steps forward, cradling in his hands..a potato. They split the skin of the Judas tuber and I watch the steam swirl up and mingle with the frigid air. I have never wanted starch so much in my life. I break.
I have betrayed my country for a baked potato.

                                                                               

                                                                 Judas Tuber


If they offered me butter and sour cream I would deeply consider turning in any friend/family member who was building up a rebel regime.
I have tried many times to change the outcome of this to no avail. All my friends and family have been duly warned of my treasonal  (I know it's not a word but it works here) tendencies. So far only my mother has verbally protested..I don't know if it is because she knows deep down that I have the ability to actually do it or if she is the only one who believes in my "day terror". Either way she has drew her lot of being the first one to be handed over.



 

Relay for Life

Last night Casey and I spent the evening in Olive Hill for the Relay For Life event. The Sheriff Dept. sold Brats ( bratwursts, not small children) and snow cones, with other items thrown in.
 It was 2,000 degrees and our tent was placed directly in the sun's angry eye.  I spent an hour thinking that someone in the tent had some funky body odor going on until I realized it was the sauerkraut for the brats.
While I slaved away inside Satan's chamber Casey was ten feet away staying nice and cool in the refreshing dunk tank.  With only $1.00 the citizens of the county could get their revenge on my husband. They made over $100.00, which equals out (my math skills are AMAZING) to over 100 seat dropping dunks. I heard at least 3 people offer to pay a dollar to get into the dunk tank themselves. Have I mentioned how horribly hot it was?
After the survivors walk, the different Relay teams marched around the ring holding their banners. Of course we had zip tied our banner to the fence and had to cut it down. We entered the ring bickering..no one wanted to stand up front and hold the banner. Casey had Scout (K-9) in one hand and held onto the banner in the other. We finally jostled into position and yelled at each other to "hold it up higher on your end!" or "spread out, it's wrinkled!"  As the names of the teams are called out, each team hoops and hollers in response. We scream loudly when they say Carter County Sheriff Dept. and I feel very proud of our team...until Oak Grove Church is called and they respond in some kind of chant. Immediately I am mad that WE didn't have a clever chant. I'm a little competitive.
By ten o'clock I am so ready to come home...I have to work this morning. Of course at that moment Casey gets a call from dispatch and has to leave, which means I am stuck there until after midnight. He finally returns but informs me that he has to go work at Rudy Fest (bluegrass festival) so I have Christy bring me home. Which I could have done 2 hours earlier. After a 30 minute drive, where several animals tried to use our vehicle to commit suicide, I made it home.
So, our first Relay for Life Sheriff Dpt. team is over. I am so glad that it is one whole year before it's time to do it again :-)  ***Obviously, the picture of me and Casey is not from last night...trust me, we did not wear jackets last night. LOL

Update on "Dispatch This is 400...I'm Gonna Need Backup"

Just found out that Casey had to return to obsessed lady's house last night. Apparently she told dispatch that her last name was Brammell. I am officially freaked out.

"Dispatch...This Is 400...I'm Gonna Need Back Up"

My husband has been in Law Enforcement since 2005..he is currently Sheriff. I am use to late night  calls from dispatch and thought nothing of it when he had to leave out last night around 1:30am. (To be honest, I remember him telling me he had to go out, but have  no recollection of him actually leaving or returning..that bit scares me a little).
So Casey apparently leaves the house to go to a 59 yr. old woman's house who he has dealt with before. She has some mild mental issues but he has full confidence that he can handle it alone.
(He was wrong. Love it's heart)
Casey made it to the lady's house. As he exited his vehicle he can see through her window that she is watching him on her security cameras. (This should have caused some mild curiosity if not concern) He made it up the steps as she opened the door. He said she set her Diet Pepsi down and stepped towards him. Suddenly, she opened her arms wide and advanced. He said at this point it was like slow motion...in his mind he was saying, "NOOOooooooo!!"
Too late. She has latched herself onto his body. Arms and legs are wrapped around him and she is trying to kiss him. He successfully removes one arm at a time...but each time the other arm comes back around him. She is chanting over and over "I want you Casey..I want you Casey"
Finally, both arms are removed simultaneously. He isn't sure how her legs came loose from his hips, but he is eternally grateful.
He had her arms held back with his and asked her ,"What in God's name was THAT about?!"
She replied, "I want you Casey. I want you!"
Casey said, "NOooo! I am a happily married man!"
She replied, "I want you Casey. I want you!"
Now Casey is use to grappling with various offenders. But this encounter left him slightly ruffled. He must think quickly. He said , "I need to get something out of the cruiser" and left her in the house.
He promptly called dispatch for backup. (Stop laughing!)
As he is waiting for backup, the lady "falls down" and is inside saying, "Oww! Ow!"
Casey stepped back up to the house, but refused to cross the threshold. He asked her what was wrong and of course she replied, "I want you Casey!"
Back up arrived and had a good laugh at his expense....and informed him that they had responded to this lady's house a few weeks ago. While there, she looked at one of the officers (who shaves his head too) and said, "I want Casey to take me home".  Ok..now it's a little freaky.
On his way home Casey called dispatch to give the status of the call..he said "From now on, if I have to go to that residence I want back up first." The dispatcher laughed and said, "I will put that in the report." Casey said, "Yes. That is what I want in the report."
My poor husband. My poor dear husband :-)

Why My Daughter Doesn't Like to Shop With Me

I was at Kroger with Sammi 2 weeks ago. Early menopausal mind enter stage right:  We're in the meat aisle looking at ground turkey. You know how they have them in the styrofoam with the shrunken plastic on top? The one I picked up was kind of hooved up in the middle, so I looked at it to check the date. Meanwhile, a woman leaned in between Sam and me and grabbed some too. Here is where my mind when haywire. I looked at the date and it was something like "June 3". I gasped. I said , "Oh my gosh! This expires on June 3rd!" The woman looks slightly alarmed and peers at her meat. I grab her arm and look at her meat too...it expires June 3rd...I promptly snatch the package of meat out of her hands and put it back in the case, exclaiming loudly "Can they do this? Isn't it illegal to sell expired meat??" I look at Sam incredulously, she is just kind of staring at me with questioning eyes and slightly parted lips. (She told me later that at the moment I looked at her she was actually thinking, "What the crap is wrong with her? What is she babbling about??") Well, needless to say I was horrified at the lack of attention by Kroger's meat department. I am now on a mission to find ALL meat that has expired. I start going down the aisle, pointing at any and all packaged meat and loudly condemning it. "June 4th! June 6th! June 8th!" I felt like Oprah when she would point to the audience and yell "YOU win a car! YOU win a car"! Then I would snap my head around towards Sam and the woman and say yet again, "Can they do this?? Isn't this illegal?" Suddenly, God had mercy. A random thought flitted through my crowded mind..."Have we been through June yet? What month is this? OH MY GOSH, this is May 31st" I look at the woman (who has figured it out on her own and has retrieved her beloved meat) and say "I am so stupid! It isn't even June yet!" I laugh, the woman doesn't even smile. I say "I guess I can go ahead and buy this meat now" with an embarrassed chuckle. The woman never says a word. I grab the meat and thrust it in the cart that is being quickly pushed away from the scene by Sammi. I'm mortified, yet my daughter is leaving me. Marooned without even a cart to deflect attention from myself. I have no idea what to do with my hands. So I start following her yelling, "Sam! Sammi!" She never stops, never answers...she is just shaking her head no and leaning over the cart in a suspicious manner..almost like she is silently laughing so hard that she can't straighten up. To cover the fact that my firstborn won't answer me I just say "I'm going to get some hotdogs!" She pauses but doesn't look at me. As I am looking for hotdogs I see peripherally that "the woman" is coming up to look at the hotdogs too. Curse you woman! Now I'm sweating and in a frenzy to grab some hotdogs and get the heck away from her. I grab a package and I KID YOU NOT, they were open and hotdog juice is running all down my arm. Because of my previous encounter with meat products and this humorless woman, I cannot turn around like I want, to say "OH my gosh! Can you believe this? The package was OPEN!" So, I just shove them back in place and scurry off. That is was happened to me at Kroger. Sammi told me on the way home that I needed to stop panicking over everything and trying to panic everyone around me until I am sure that my panic is real. Point taken.